Aye fan A sit doon ti aet!

Weel weel an, n foo’s aa mi freens e day?

Fit wye is’t aat nearhan ilka time A sit doon at e buird ti hae mi denner ar mi supper e phone aye rings? Noo nine times oot o ten, in fac maybe ninety nine times oot o a hunner it will be fit is caaed in modern-day parlance “a cold call”! Somebidy, a stranger, aften frae some far aff lan’ needin ti sell ye something, ar tellin ye aat yer computer’s nae wirkin richt, ar wintin ye ti tak pairt in some kyn o a survey aboot some kyn o a product aat yiv niver heard o, e list o topics is endless – n aye fan A’m jist aboot ti stairt ti aet? It wid appear aat there’s nae muckle aat w can dae ti stop es annoyance, eyven bein on e Telephone Preference Service list disna stop them. Hooiver, apairt frae jist bangin doon e phone, A div hae ane ar twa ploys aat A will resort till noo n agin. Of coorse a lot depens on whither it’s an automated recordin ar a live body at the ither eyn o e line – if it’s e first A jist pit e phone doon, end o story!

Weel, it souns richt glaikit spikkin til a machine!

If e vyce is yokit til a livin body sometimes A’ll jist say “Could you hold the line please?” then pit e phone doon n leave it for aboot five meenits! Usually fin ye pick it up they’ll hae hung up! If A’ve got e wireless on A’ll pit e phone doon aside it n jist leave it for a fylie – agin fin ye check they’ve hung up! Noo n than, if A’m in e mood n if A’m feelin a thochtie ill-trickit, A’ll spik ti them in mi braidest north-east Doric!

Noo if they cam frae e likes o Pakistan ar somewye in India ar maybe eyven doon in London it disna tak afa lang afore they gie up n hing up on you, bit A hiv ti warn ye aat es wee ploy micht jist backfire on ye? A twa three ‘eer back A did jist dae aat replyin til es weel-spoken soondin mannie fa wis tryin ti sell m new windas – whit a begeck A got fin es “weel-spoken” mannie responded in e Doric! It cam aboot aat he hid bin born n bred in Aiberdeen n he eyven kent far Widney wis! Ye ken w hid a richt gweed newsie igither n he feenished up b sayin “ weel, weel mi loon, A sippose ye dinna wint ony new windas div ye”? Needless ti say I agreed wi him!

Noo than, bi the time ye are readin m screevins es month there wull b fewer than ninety days ti go til w pit doon wir crosses on e bittie o paper as w vote in e Referendum. Noo A hiv ti say aat A’m nae in favour o independence, A niver hiv bin in favour o’t n A niver wull be in favour o’t. There’s nae doot in my myn aat wir aa far better aff bein igither than w wid be if w waur separate n independent. Some fouk complain aboot bein ruled n governed frae Westminster, if Mr Salmond gets his wye we wid be ruled n governed frae Edinburgh n nae one bittie better aff – in fac, in es North-east corner, mair than likely w’d aa be a lot waur aff. The expense n e cost aat independence is gyaun ti cost each n iveryane o’s hisna bin calculated b Mr Salmond n his cronies, ay, it micht be a gweed idea if he gid back ti skweel n learned ti dae his sums agin, then he micht fun oot aat twa plus twa jist maks fower, nae mair!

A’m prood ti be an Aiberdonian, A’m prood ti be Scottish n A’m prood ti be British asweel!